Friday, 22 February 2008

Gonna need more wine.

Yesterday I felt as though all was right with the world, everything was exactly how it was supposed to be and I was soooo heppy. Seriously though, I was bouncing off the walls, strangers were smiling at me, customers were complimenting me, my boss was practically begging me to stay on (maybe that’s a slight exaggeration)…

Today, however, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. I’m seriously starting to reconsider if I may really be bipolar after all? No, not really. But I am filled with doubt and fear and all sorts of dreadful monsters. What if my visa is declined? What if things don’t work out as planned? What if I’m stuck living with my parents until I’m forty, my face starts to sag prematurely and I never marry? What if I become a miserable, portly, middle-aged woman who frightens small children, and nicer folk than myself shake their heads at me in shopping centres? These are all terrifyingly real things to fear! I don’t want to be that old lady at the club hitting on young pretty boys whilst been laughed at by 18 year olds! Shit, could these things HAPPEN?? Clearly they do, because I have seen it on more than one occasion. Please not to me!

I could go on and on about my list of fears, really, I could go on. But I will save all concerned the ordeal of reading them all and me typing them. Instead, I think I’ll get me a nice soothing cup of tea. And take up smoking and become VERY good at it. Fak.

Sitting in the weekly meeting this morning, my imminent leaving was brought up and the sales director almost fell over and collective gasps could be heard when I told him that I do not in fact have my visa yet. I had to explain that I was indeed living on the edge and liked to be dangerous. Then, back at my desk, the freaking out began. Shit. I don’t like to be dangerous! I’m a play it safe kinda girl for goodness sake!

Right, that cuppa tea and a fag…

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