Monday, 18 February 2008

Ugh.

It’s bloody happening all over again. How many months ago was it when I missed that crucial moment?? I was sure at the time that I was not mistaken in thinking what I, and everyone else thought. I was almost utterly convinced of it. Could it have been my imagination and in the imagination of all who witnessed it…on two occasions? However, I dilly-dallied and now here I am, some six months or so on, in the same flippen position. And although I’m trying not to think of it, I find myself slipping back into wonderful daydreams, making up imaginary conversations where everything plays out exactly how I had hoped for…then making up a completely different picture but with the same conclusion.
No, I was NOT wrong. It doesn’t help me now though. So really, there is no point in agonizing over opportunities missed. The only thing to do is NOT think on it anymore. No more delighting in my imagination…no more silly daydreams, no more casually bringing it up in conversation. But still! Dammit. Crap. Shit crap. Silly Karen - what a dork.

I’m feeling edgy today. It doesn’t make it better knowing the cause of my distress. I suffer even so. I know it’s stupid. I have NOTHING to cry over, no great misfortunes, no hardships, no drama of any significance. Nothing whatsoever. Life is peachy, the sun continues to rise each morning and compared to the troubles of others, I have the perfect life. Or pretty damn close on perfect anyway. Right…I’m fooling myself, I can’t imagine anyone compares their circumstances to mine and feels envy of any sort or on any level. I’m not helping myself.
Ok, so I do know the exact cause of my woe today, besides the obvious surge in hormones. I’m feeling angry with people who can’t form coherent sentences in English, people who are loud and vulgar, people who lean over my desk and stare at me, eyes half popping out, I’m irritable with myself for been so self absorbed and intolerant when clearly there is nothing wrong. I have so much to look forward to! In less than three months I’m leaving to the UK. I have a two week holiday of frolicking amongst castles and grazing sheep and seeing some dear friends and then I’m off for my training in Suffolk. I finally have a plan and it is going to work! I’m only small amounts of terrified. Still, I wish I could shake this morbid feeling and get back to been excited and eager.
I'll get there.

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